


Marital Bliss

by jairyn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anidala, Anisoka, Chosen One, Clone Wars, F/M, Force Bonds, Jedi, Pursuit of Happiness, Sith, Star Wars - Freeform, rexsoka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2020-12-28 11:00:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21135611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jairyn/pseuds/jairyn
Summary: The Jedi council learns of Anakin’s secret marriage to Padmé, and despite needing him in the war, believe he’s taken things too far. They expel him from the order and now he has to pick up the pieces and find who he is without the Jedi. Free from the order, they no longer have to hide their relationship, but will they be able to figure things out or will it fall apart around them?Meanwhile something is blossoming between Ahsoka and Rex. As life away from the Jedi hits them all, will any of them find true happiness or will someone be left in the dust?Dedicated to all the people that truly believe Anakin and Padmé or Rex and Ahsoka would be happy if they could have been together.





	1. Discovered

“Anakin Skywalker,” Mace Windu said and he flinched. He didn’t exactly know why he’d been called to the council room, but he recognized his tone of voice. He was in trouble for something, _again…_ He tried to wrack his brain for what he’d done lately, but he couldn’t think of anything right off the bat. “It has come to the council’s attention that you’ve been carrying on a relationship with Senator Amidala for several years now.” His eyes widened. 

“What say, have you?” Master Yoda asked. 

“Uh, no masters… it’s purely professional…” His voice faded, and he swallowed hard. He knew they wouldn’t believe him. He’d worked so hard to hide it; they’d been so careful. How had they found out? 

“Is it common to marry people in professional relationships?” Master Gallia asked. The room started spinning. They knew about the marriage? He clenched his fist, trying to get a handle on himself. 

“As you are aware, Skywalker, it is strictly against the rules to have a personal relationship of this magnitude,” Windu said. 

“But masters… It’s never gotten in the way of my duty!” 

“An exception, we cannot make,” Yoda said. “Know the rules, did you. Chose not to follow them, you did.” The color drained from his face. He felt like he might start hyperventilating. “Expelled from the order, you are.” 

He was amazed he was still standing. He looked helplessly from face to face, his eyes landing on Obi wan. How could he just sit there in silence? Of all people, he had to know what this meant to him. This was exactly what they’d done to Ahsoka. He understood her pain now. He tightened his fist again. Obi wan was staring at him with pity, but nothing more; nothing to indicate he was concerned or worried about what will become of him. 

“But I’m the chosen one! If you throw me out, the Republic will lose the war!” he said angrily, unable to keep his emotions in check anymore. What would happen now? Who was he without the order? 

“Certain of that, are you?” Yoda replied blandly. “Never cared for that title, did you. Believed it, you never did.” 

“But I must be, that’s what Master Jinn said…” 

“Mistaken, he may have been. Misread, the prophecy could have been.” 

Obi wan stood up and approached him. He had the sudden urge to throw a punch. His muscles tightened harder; he clenched his teeth. “I’m sorry, Anakin,” he said quietly. “But you knew the rules. I’ve put up with a lot because you have skill, but marriage? I cannot express my disappointment.” 

“You already have, master,” he spat in response. Obi wan looked hurt, but he didn’t care. “All you’ve ever done is lecture me. You hated that I never listened, but I did. I tried to be a good padawan and a good Jedi. I did everything you’ve ever instructed. But when did you ever listen to _me_?” 

“I listen to you all the time, Anakin, but whenever I tried to get you to talk about important issues, you’d close down.” 

“You couldn’t even hear the little things, why would I tell you about the important stuff? You never wanted me, you never cared about me! All you’ve ever cared about is sitting on the council! Don’t worry, I won’t be a problem anymore.” He threw his lightsaber down on the floor and stormed out of the room. He fumed all the way to the entrance. There was an odd relief in no longer having to hide his marriage, but he felt lost now. What was he supposed to do with himself? And why’d he throw his lightsaber? He felt so empty without it, _already_. 

He made it to the steps before the full weight of what just happened hit him. He collapsed onto the top one, heaving as he struggled to catch his breath. He wanted to cry but no tears came. So, he sat there fighting to breathe. As angry as he was at Obi wan, he actually hoped he’d come running out and tell him the council was mistaken. That this wasn’t really happening to him. He waited there hopefully, for a long time, but Obi wan never came. He didn’t run after him like he’d run after Ahsoka. It was true then; he’d only ever been a burden to him. He was probably sighing with relief that he no longer had to pretend to care. 

He stood up. It was time to go home to Padmé and tell her. He made it a few steps before he realized that she wasn’t on Coruscant right now. She was off on some other peace conference of some kind or a leadership retreat or something. Why wasn’t she here? He really needed her right now. Maybe he could call Ahsoka, she’d know what he was feeling. But she hadn’t kept in touch since leaving several months before. He didn’t even know how to contact her. For all he knew, she wasn’t even on Coruscant anymore either. 

He felt so alone. He picked up a stone and threw it as hard as he could. He wondered if Rex was at the shipyard right now. Maybe he’d have some advice. Thinking about the captain, finally tipped him over the edge and the tears fell for real this time. What was going to happen to them? Who’d take over the 501st? Or would it be disbanded? Maybe he should go to the Chancellor first. In all his power, maybe he could force the council to take him back. It was worth a shot, right? 

He was halfway to the Senate building when he redirected the taxi to the shipyard. He wasn’t ready to hash it out with him. He couldn’t bear to disappoint the Chancellor tonight. 

“General?” Rex saluted him. 

“Stand down, captain. I’m not your general anymore.” 

“Uh, sir? What do you mean?” 

“They threw me out of the order!” He kicked a stone as hard as he could across the complex. 

“Why?” Rex asked. He could hear his concern. 

“They found out about me and Padmé. Jedi aren’t supposed to have relationships.” 

“With all due respect, sir… a lot of people have known about you and the senator, including other Jedi. Why would they kick you out now?” 

“They found out we were married,” he said in annoyance. “Wait! What do you mean other people knew? 

“Um… you weren’t very good at hiding it,” Rex whispered cautiously. “All the boys knew she was your flame. Ahsoka knew… General Kenobi knew too.” 

His hand tightened into a fist. “If Obi wan knew, why did the council wait so long to throw me out?” 

“I couldn’t say, sir.” 

“You can stop calling me sir.” 

“I’ll try, si… uh, sorry.” Rex looked down at his hands. “So, what happens now?” 

“I don’t know. I imagine you’ll get a new general, or worse, be split up to other legions that are in need.” The captain didn’t say it, but he felt his disappointment. At least the 501st cared about him. He was proud of his boys. They were the best of the best. He hoped they’d be well taken care of. 

Wait… Rex said Ahsoka knew too. So then why…? Now he really wanted to talk to her. But he doubted Rex knew any better than he did how to contact her. They sat down on a few crates away from the barracks and he dropped his head into his hands. Everything was spiraling out of control. He should be happy to get to be with Padmé and have the life they always talked about. But all he could think about was everything he was being forced to leave behind. He’d always thought that when he left the order it would be on his terms; a peaceful parting. That he could still be friends with people. That maybe Obi wan wouldn’t be so harsh and more accepting of the idea. He blew air out the side of his mouth. That was a foolish thought. Of course, he wouldn’t be okay with it. Even if _he_ wasn’t still a Jedi, Obi wan always would be. 

He’d never meant to let him down. He’d tried so hard to be a good Jedi, just like he’d said. But he loved Padmé… why was that so wrong? 

“So, what are you going to do?” Rex asked after awhile. 

“I don’t know…” he whispered, his voice cracking with emotion. He didn’t know who he was without the order. He’d only ever been a slave and a Jedi. He hoped he could at least be a good husband, but he didn’t know how to make money or provide for anyone other than as protection. 

A distant siren sounded, and he looked blankly across the tarmac. “I have to go, si...” He set his hand tentatively on his shoulder. “Well I guess this is goodbye then.” His lip started trembling. 

“I guess so.” He really wanted to hug him but wasn’t sure how Rex would respond to that. “Be careful out there, captain.” Rex nodded at him and headed back towards the lines of soldiers that were forming ranks. He watched him disappear from sight and sighed. 

Well, even if Padmé wasn’t home, he knew how to sneak in, so he supposed he’d better go. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do now.


	2. Options

“Hello Lil’un, how are you holding up?” She smiled at Rex when the hologram appeared in front of her. 

“I’m alright, I guess. Everything is just so… different,” she murmured, dropping her head. 

“I can imagine,” the captain said thoughtfully. “This war is all I’ve ever known, I’m not sure what I’ll do with myself when it’s over.”

“Well once I figure it out, I’ll teach you,” she chuckled at the thought of teaching a veteran soldier that’s known nothing but war what it’s like to have a job and have to earn money to survive. But her smile faded instantly. It had never occurred to her in all her daydreams about the future that she’d be parted from the Jedi order. She’d never even really wondered what it would be like to live a normal life. Up until she’d left, she’d never wanted anything else. Well that wasn’t entirely true. She had wanted something else, but it was impossible now. “So how are the boys?” she asked, shaking herself and consumed by the sudden need to change the subject. 

“Oh, you know,” Rex rolled his eyes, “same as always. Fives found a new hobby that he’s been trying to teach everyone. How he even has time for a hobby, I don’t know. Maybe I’m not being hard enough on them.” He laughed softly and she smiled in spite of the ache. She loved the clones, every one of them. They were good friends and good people. When she’d left the order, it hadn’t fully hit her that she wouldn’t be around them either. She’d been too focused on the pain the Jedi council had caused her, all her doubts and worries and… She shook herself again. Thinking about him only hurt, so she pushed his name out of her brain and put her attention back on Rex. “Sometimes though, he’ll put on some of Echo’s records and…” She really wished she could hug him right now. The transmission, though welcome, was hardly satisfying. 

Every loss was hard for all of them, but Fives blamed himself for what had happened to Echo at the citadel. He was convinced he should have stopped him, should have pulled him back, should have run after him. Something. Anything. She knew the feeling. “Oh, Rex,” she murmured, feeling tears well in her eyes.

“You know what that’s like, Lil’un,” he whispered. “Sometimes I think I know my place in all of this, and then I wonder, what it all really matters in the end.” 

Silence fell between them and she ached for her captain. This hurt but she knew it needed to be said. The war had created too many bottled up emotions, too much pain, too much loss, but worse than all of that, too little possibility to deal with the emptiness it all created in each of them. 

It seemed like there would be really no topic her and Rex could talk about that wouldn’t eventually lead to sorrow or bad memories. Which was a shame really, because she was grateful he’d tracked her down to keep in touch with her. Especially since everyone else seemed to already have forgotten. Well maybe not forgotten exactly, but it felt that way sometimes. Rex was the only one that called. 

“Well I can’t imagine what it must be like trying to figure things out in a whole new world, but you look good, Ahsoka,” he said finally. “I hope you won’t think I’m too bold in saying, but freedom suits you.”

She stared at him for a moment unsure what to make of his compliment, because yes, it had been a compliment that heated her cheeks while simultaneously making her ache for everyone else. And with the way she’d been feeling since leaving the order, the thought that he’d think she was happy, or thriving, was hard to understand. And his choice of words, freedom suits you. Something about it stung more than making her feel better or appreciated.

Rex of course, knew better than most how often her or Anakin had disagreed with the Jedi council and wished they could handle situations their own way, but the idea that she’d chosen freedom or that even this struggle for survival in the underbelly of the most heavily populated planet in the galaxy was more appealing than the life she’d previously had... well it was disorienting and uncomfortable, to say the least. 

But since she knew he’d meant it only as a compliment not as a double-edged sword, she shook the melancholy that had draped itself around her shoulders. “Thank you, Captain,” she whispered finally, hoping he didn’t sense the pain those words had caused her. 

He smiled at her. “Well I best be going, but perhaps when we return from this mission, we could get together in person.”

“I’d like that,” she said sincerely. Considering how alone she already felt, seeing a friend again would feel wonderful.

“I’ll be thinking of you,” he said. “Take care of yourself.”

“Thank you. May the force be with you... all.” The transmission ended after he nodded his thanks and she stared at the device feeling hollow and confused. 

Rex was someone she’d often turned to for advice. He knew the ins and outs of her, sometimes better than she did. He was a great mentor and an even better friend. But in the few times they’d spoken since she’d left the order several months earlier, it felt strange, almost awkward. It was as though their friendship had existed only within the constraints of the war. And now that she was no longer in that inner circle, it often felt like she was staring through the glass longing to be back there.

But it felt less about just the friendships she’d had and more about all of it. Inside that bubble she’d known who she was. Maybe she hadn’t known every detail, but she’d been confident and certain she’d find her way and her place. She set the device down and laid back on her bed. Now it felt like every memory that haunted her, had two separate parts; the one where she’d been in the middle of it, remembering it as it had happened, and the one where she was standing outside the memory wondering who that girl was. Inside the bubble was color, life, vibrance, certainty... outside was greys and blues, silence, fear and emptiness. 

So, the idea that Rex would think she looked good, happy or healthy in this colorless, vacant world... it struck a chord she couldn’t quite articulate. It felt too much like not being seen, like... She sighed and rolled over. Like it had felt when the one person she trusted to be there for her through everything had not even noticed the shattering of her soul. When he’d begged her to stay for his own selfish reasons rather than understand why she couldn’t recover or heal there. How he probably spent countless hours now resenting her for leaving despite doing nothing she needed for her to stay. And now probably considering her a loss that he’d rather forget about than come after. 

She didn’t blame Rex for this. She didn’t blame him for any of it. She knew his words were rooted in sincerity, concern and love. But knowing those things didn’t stop the rush of pain they’d caused her. He’d probably been trying to encourage her, to give her hope, to help her think she wasn’t lost. But all of that was a pathetic illusion because she was very much lost. So lost, she wasn’t very optimistic she’d ever be found. It wasn’t in her nature to give up, but sometimes... the idea was tantalizing. 

Her comm beeped again and she stared at it in confusion. Now who could that be? She picked it up and saw that it was Rex again.

“Sorry to call back so soon,” he said quickly when she answered. “I just remembered there was something else I was going to tell you.”

“What is it?” There was something about his tone that had sent a chill through her.

“General Skywalker came by the shipyard tonight; he said the council kicked him out of the order.”

“What? Why?” She felt a clench in her chest at his name. And despite how much it hurt to hear it, she was suddenly worried about him. What would Anakin do away from the order? Whether he liked the council or not, or shunned their beliefs, he needed that structure in his life. He’d always been that way. The council, especially Obi wan, always believed him rebellious; causing problems where there didn’t need to be problems. But Anakin had been an exemplary Jedi. Even with the parts of the code he struggled with, he worked so hard to be everything they wanted. He was rebellious, or reckless, true, but never in the way they believed. At the end of every plan there was only one thing in his mind and that was to make the council proud. What could he possibly have done that would make them kick him out? Especially at such a critical time? Whether they approved of his methods or not, he could singlehandedly pull out Republic victories that others failed to do. Did they want to lose the war?

“I guess the council found out about his relationship with the senator,” Rex said softly.

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” she said, wondering why she was suddenly defending him. His relationship with the senator was some of why she’d, well… given up hope they’d ever be anything. “I know Obi wan knew about it, so I don’t doubt the others did too. Why would it become a problem now?”

“That’s what I wondered too.” Rex bowed his head for a moment. “He said they’d discovered they were secretly married.”

“What…?” she squeaked. She’d always known that he loved Padmé, but why would he do something so stupid? Marriage?

“Oh, I have to go,” Rex said suddenly. “He sounded lost, I thought maybe he could use a friend. Take care, Ahsoka.” He clicked it off before she managed to make another sound. She stared at the comm, ignoring the way her hand had started shaking. 

“What the kriff, Anakin?” she swore finally. She dropped the device and fell back on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Yeah sure, Rex said he could use a friend right now, but did he not understand that Anakin hadn’t been there for her when she needed it the most?

Whether she liked it or not, she did feel sorry for him. Even as the jealousy washed through her, her pity won. Anakin sounded lost… that was never a good sign. She didn’t even have to see him to know the expression creased across his face; the pained eyes, furrowed brows and pouty lips. What a stupid reason to kick him out of the order. She didn’t like knowing he was married to someone else, but to risk losing the war just because their best general fell in love?

Well… no matter how lost he was, she wasn’t running back to him, not tonight. Not at all, if she was smart. He got himself into this mess, why should she care? Besides, he could now run home to Padmé; his former padawan that had failed him was probably the last person he wanted to see.


	3. Jedi Cloak

He looked up at the sound of the door chime. Now who could that be? He closed the bathrobe he was wearing and tied it loosely, shuffling to the door. He didn’t really plan to answer it, there was nobody that would be coming here for him, but he was curious who it was. He pushed the button to see who was on the other side and opened the door without thinking. 

“Ahsoka?” he asked in surprise. 

“Hello, master,” she whispered nervously, her eyes glancing down at his bare chest. He followed them and realized the robe had come loose and quickly closed it up again. 

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t know why he sounded so upset by her presence, actually he was happy to see her. She looked good and he’d missed her like crazy. He’d been pretty much sulking around the apartment for five days, waiting for his wife to come back. He hadn’t shaved or really done much of anything at all. He’d just been staring off into space and drowning in the crashing waves of fear and pain. 

“Well, uh… Rex told me that they kicked you out and I thought maybe… actually I don’t know what I thought. It looks like you’re busy, I should go.” He grabbed her arm as she turned away. 

“No, please, stay,” he croaked, feeling stupid. Did he sound pathetic? Because he sure felt that way. 

“What about the senator?” 

“She won’t be home for a few days. You’re not disturbing anything.” 

She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and he choked up. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" 

"It'll be fine," he said quickly. _Please don't go,_ he begged silently. Not wanting to say the words aloud. 

He stepped out of the way, so she could come in. She hesitated a moment, but finally did. She looked around as though she were scanning for threats. He almost laughed out loud that she still did that even away from the battlefield. He watched her absentmindedly as she moved around. Surely she'd been here before? Or was she feeling her way around? He noticed she held herself differently than she used to. She stood taller, or she was taller. She was wearing a bluish black tunic with gold trim and short sleeves, olive green slacks and black boots. She had a kind of headband around her horns, replacing the teeth she'd worn there for so long. Her head tails were longer, the back one seemed to bulge out a bit, the clean stripes had started splitting in places to give a more jagged appearance. She definitely looked a lot more mature and older than the last time he'd seen her. 

She turned back around to see him studying her. Her inquisitive eyes all over him. He felt very exposed all of a sudden and wrapped the bathrobe tighter around himself. If she were going to stay, he should probably get dressed, but the only clothes he had were his Jedi robes, and he didn't want to put them back on. 

"Would you like something to drink?" he asked awkwardly to fill the silence that had fallen between them. He'd never minded their silence before. It used to be comfortable, but now... 

"Water would be nice," she replied. "Thank you." 

"I'll be right back, have a seat," he threw over his shoulder as he made his way to the kitchen. He wondered what she was thinking. She probably thought he was living the life he'd always dreamed of. _If only..._ maybe if Padmé came home, he could claim that. He still hadn't told his wife he'd left the order. The couple times they'd talked, they’d only talked about her and the conference she was at. That was fine, it was a distraction. 

When he returned with two waters and handed her one, she was sitting stiffly on one of the chaises. She looked so uncomfortable, like she'd rather be anywhere else. He shouldn't have made her stay, but he'd just wanted her company so badly, he hadn't thought about how she'd feel about the news. Except Rex had told him she already knew... so why was she uncomfortable about it? 

"So how have you been?" He sat down on the other side of the center table, trying to look comfortable like he belonged here. Which sent a weird pang through him as soon as he thought about it. Why shouldn't he belong here? This was his home. 

"Well, I've been doing alright for myself. I started working as a mechanic on the lower levels. Not a bad gig, really. I get free room and board and make enough to buy food." 

"A mechanic?" he asked in surprise. 

"What? You don't think I learned a thing or two over the years?" She set her water down and crossed her arms. 

"No, it's not that. I know you're a good mechanic. It's just..." he trailed off. 

"What?" 

"Well, you're good at so many things, why would you choose that?" he watched her as she pursed her lips and glanced around the room. 

"Why not? It's not like I had a lot of choices in the beginning. Not a lot of people are hiring failed Jedi with battle experience and no concept of the real world," she huffed. 

"You could have stayed..." 

She turned on him and he sucked in a breath. "Like that would have been better? Sure, I knew how to fight, but I couldn't trust anyone anymore. Not even myself." 

"But..." 

She was on her feet. "You know what? This was a bad idea; I shouldn't have come." She started towards the door. 

He was chasing after her. Before he could overthink it, he threw himself between her and the door. "Please Ahsoka, don't go." Did he sound desperate? She looked him over. "I'm sorry, okay? We don't have to talk about it. I just..." He looked down at his feet. "I missed you, okay? When you left... I didn't understand why you didn't want to stay with me." He looked up at her sadly, remembering the way his heart had torn in two as he'd watched her walk away from him and disappear down the steps. He'd stood there long after she'd vanished hoping she'd reappear and come back to him. She never did. 

She put her hands on her hips and sighed. "I told you, it wasn't about you." 

"It felt that way." He reached for her shoulders and she tensed, but to his relief, she didn't pull away. 

"I'm not going to apologize for it, if that's what you want. I did what I felt I had to do. I wasn't trying to hurt you, and if you'd really been my friend, you would have understood that." 

"I _am_ your friend!" She looked up at him, her eyes narrowed, and he let go of her instinctively. "What I didn't understand was why you closed me out. We could have worked it out... together!" 

She shook her head as though he had no idea what he was talking about. "You just don't get it. I needed to figure out who I was, _alone_. I needed to know what was left of me after I stripped away the Jedi cloak. You were part of that cloak. How could I do that if you were still there? I appreciated your willingness to help me, I really did. But you couldn't help me with this. Now that your cloak is off, you have to do the same." She pushed him aside and then she left, just like that. 

He stared at the door wondering if her visit had made him feel better or worse. _Worse, __definitely worse__..._

He sighed and headed back to the couch, slumping down and staring blankly at the wall. 

The comm went off a few minutes later and he scrambled to it. 

“Hello, my love,” he answered, when he saw it was Padmé. Thankfully she couldn’t see the state he was in since it was only an audio call this time.

“Are you off for the week?” she asked. 

“I am, hope you don’t mind me shacking up at your place,” he replied, looking around trying to ignore the twinge from the lie. 

“Not at all!” she said excitedly. “I’m actually on my way home early. I’ll be there in an hour or so. I can’t wait to see you!” 


	4. Irreconcilable Differences

She stormed down the hallway, hating herself for coming. It had taken her nearly a week to work up the nerve to do it in the first place and now she could do nothing but berate herself for it. She almost wished Padmé had been home too, at least they could have made small talk, or it might have felt less awkward. Who’d have thought that seeing them together would have made the situation better?

Why the kriff had she come? Had she really thought he’d want to see her? He looked worse for the wear, and at first had sounded excited. But then he had to bemoan her leaving and woefully fail to _again_ see how awful it had been for her! And something about seeing him hanging out casually in a bathrobe in the senator’s apartment had just… _hurt_. She didn’t have a right to complain, obviously. She’d known from the beginning. Well, she’d known he was interested in the senator, but it hadn’t been until they’d been on Naboo with that whole blue shadow virus fiasco that it had been confirmed for her that Padmé was more to him than just a love interest. She’d done everything she could to distract herself and find other interests. She’d focused only on their friendship, ignoring any potential that would randomly appear between them. But no matter how hard she’d tried; her mind had always come back to him.

So yeah, seeing him half naked with a scruffy beard, acting like he belonged in the upper crust of Coruscant when she’d been struggling just to get by in the underbelly… she didn’t have any more words for how much it hurt. How long had they been married? Had he ever cared about her as more than a friend? Yeah sure, he was her master, but there’d been times… times he’d looked at her like he wanted her. Times he acted like he couldn’t live without her. Times whether he meant to or not, he’d given her hope that they could someday…

She cursed to herself and dropped her fist. She didn’t like the cold sludgy jealousy raging through her. She didn’t like the way the anger twisted and burned her insides. She didn’t like any of this. Next time she talked to Rex she’d have to tell him to keep any news of Anakin to himself. Yeah, sure, Anakin was lost. She scoffed. No, _she_ was the one that was lost. Anakin might not have the Jedi order to direct him anymore, but surely romping around in bed with his _wife_ would keep him plenty stimulated.

She made it out the doors of Padmé’s building before collapsing onto her butt and leaning her head back against the wall. The other well-to-do residents ignored her completely, but she felt their judgmental stares as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

It was time to let go. She didn’t want to, but it was. With or without the order, it was obvious he was where he wanted to be, or _with_ who he wanted to be with. It wasn’t like she didn’t have other options. Nyx had made no effort to hide his interest in her since she’d moved in. She’d had plenty of customers flirt with her. Maybe it was time to stop holding back, stop waiting... stop... _hoping_. It wasn’t like she hadn’t screwed her chance with him the moment she’d walked away; failing him completely.

No matter what the Jedi believed about attachments, Anakin had taught her that you could love people and still do your duty. You could care about individuals and still do what was necessary. Although come to think of it... maybe they never did do either of those things well. But she’d spent three years trusting that whenever she was in trouble or needed it, he’d come for her. And she liked to believe he’d known she’d be there for him just the same. Every other master would have left her behind, cut their losses to save the greater good; going after her only if it didn’t risk the lives of many. She was alive only because of him. Because of his training, but also his determination and love. 

“Love,” she scoffed in annoyance. _What the kriff did he really know about love anyways?_ At least when it came to anyone other than his obsession with the senator? Maybe she needed to just forget all the stuff she’d learned from him over the years. And maybe forget _him_ too!

She wiped her eyes and stood up, setting her jaw. _Well, Anakin_, she thought to herself. _I hope you’re happy. I hope Padmé is everything you need, because if you change your mind... I won’t be there. This time._

\---

When she made it back to the shop, she stood in the doorway a moment watching Nyx organizing something near the counter. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him or hadn’t been interested when he’d expressed his own feelings, it was just… with where she’d been mentally after leaving the order, she hadn’t wanted to drag him down while she figured herself out. And maybe on a bigger note, she’d kept hoping Anakin would come after her. Maybe not because she was his padawan but because she was more than that to him. She sighed and dropped her head. _Well that was a stupid dream._

He hadn’t been angry when she’d shown up today, and even though he’d seemed to want her to stay, as weird as it had been, he made no effort to apologize or really even understand. No one from the order had reached out to her, even if it was nothing but checking to see if she wasn’t starving in the streets or something. Knowing their attitude about it, they’d probably just think it was _her_ fault if she died out here; it wasn’t like they’d ever see they’d done anything wrong. That’s what she’d expected from the rest of them, but Anakin… she’d always thought he was different. She had been telling him the truth about needing to distance herself from him too for awhile, but she’d still thought he’d come. That she’d mattered more to him than that. That he wouldn’t let her go so easily even if he was willing to give her some space for awhile.

But as the months had dragged on, only Rex had called. Though the other clones had said hello to her in the transmissions, or he passed on their hellos, he’d still been the only one that had reached out to her. Not even people outside her immediate circle had checked on her. No one else she’d thought were her friends even seemed bothered by her absence. Or so it seemed. Had what Barriss done represented the way everybody had felt about her? Had anyone really cared? And yeah, maybe she’d been in love with Anakin, but she’d thought Padmé was her friend too… And Riyo and, _and_… She squeezed her eyes shut. Not even Master Plo had thought to check on her. Had she really meant so little to the rest of them?

She wiped her eyes quickly. She wasn’t going to fall apart in front of Nyx. In front of anyone. The past was the past. If visiting Anakin had proven anything, it was that it was in fact, time to let go. Torturing herself with questions would be useless. And she had the sudden urge to take control of _something_ in her life. It might be stupid, but it sounded surprisingly good right now.

She marched up to Nyx, who had his back to her, grabbed his arm and spun him around with more force than she meant to. Then she planted her lips right on his. He’d stared at her wide-eyed for a moment before closing them and kissing her back. She let it go on for a few minutes before letting go.

“Whoa,” he said, sounding a little bit dazed. “Not that I’m complaining, but where did that come from?”

“I… uh… had a rough day.” She bit her lip, grateful that Nyx had no sense of the force and didn’t seem even remotely focused enough to think that there was something else to it. 

“Well then, let me fix that,” he said, giving her what he probably thought was a sexy smile and pulled her closer again. She tried her hardest to relax into the feeling when his lips met hers, but her brain finally caught up to what she was doing and now wouldn’t shut up about it. _Oh great_… Maybe she’d really hoped kissing someone else would be a better distraction than that. Though, she had so little experience with it, she wasn’t sure what she’d truly expected. Nyx seemed to be enjoying himself anyways. “Should I close up shop so we could take this upstairs?”

“Oh uh…” She tried to hide the surprise and panic that had coursed through her at the suggestion. She frantically looked around for some kind of excuse. “Maybe we should slow down a bit.” She swallowed when she saw his disappointment.

“But you were the one that kissed me…”

“Yeah I know,” she said nervously. “But it was just a kiss… I mean… it could build to something later but… I’m just uh…” The heat rose in her cheeks and she pulled away. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“But…”

She ignored his objections and raced up to her room, locking the door behind her. What the kriff was wrong with her? She was losing her mind! She paced back and forth for a few minutes before dropping onto her bed. She was so confused. The kiss had felt good, maybe… at first anyways… but then… her mind had drifted right back to Anakin and suddenly everything had soured. She hadn’t exactly meant to use Nyx in such a way, but she’d been so sure, at least for a moment, that kissing him might cure her restlessness and pain. Instead all it had done was make her feel more lost and hurt. And now she’d probably just hurt him too!

_What if he kicked her out because of that stupid stunt?_


	5. Domestication

He went into overdrive the moment he clicked off the communicator. He raced into the refresher and dove into the shower, cleaning himself off and shaving his face. Then he put his Jedi robes back on. The itchy, heavy fabric felt horrible, but the weight on his shoulders was far worse. He frantically cleaned up any mess he’d made in her apartment, their apartment, and wiped his brow. He moved from seat to seat trying to figure out where to wait and then realized he should get her flowers. She’d be back any minute though, so he didn’t have time to find some. And he didn’t have any credits either… 

He sighed and then opened the door out into the hall. There were planters that lined it, full of beautiful colors and blooms. He wandered down towards the end away from the building entrance and found a planter in the corner. He glanced around to make sure nobody was paying attention to him and pulled up a handful. He quickly tried to break off the roots and clean the unearthed soil off himself and then he ran back to her apartment, frantically looking for something to tie them together with. 

He heard the door open and ran to greet her, holding the bundle behind his back. 

“Master Skywalker,” she said sweetly when she came through the door and saw him standing there. “To what do I owe this surprise?” 

He grinned at her and went to take her bags, but forgot he was holding the flowers and nearly whacked her with them. “Oh uh, I got you these,” he said quickly, recovering himself. 

“Master Ani!” Threepio came through the door and greeted him. 

“Hello, Threepio,” he said happily. “Good to see you.” Then Artoo wheeled in behind him and beeped excitedly. “Hi Buddy.” He patted him on the dome top. This was his family and they were home. Things would be fine again. 

“Can I help you, my lady?” Threepio asked. 

“No thank you,” she said quickly. “Could you, uh, start dinner?” 

“Of course. Come on Artoo.” The two droids wheeled and tottered into the kitchen. As soon as they disappeared, she threw herself into his arms. He pulled her tight against him, breathing her in and relaxing now that she was home. At some point he’d have to tell her the truth, but the longer she didn’t know, the less it would hurt. When she let go, she looked at the flowers and sniffed them. 

“These are beautiful,” she murmured. “They look kind of familiar though.” He looked past her to a planter that stood just opposite of the door full of identical flowers as the ones in her hands. 

He pulled her inside, shutting the door so she didn’t look and then plastered a smile back on his face. “Totally coincidental. These are fresh.” 

“I should get a vase for them.” She disappeared and came back a moment later with a fancy glass container filled with water to hold them. Then she set them down on the dining table. “Thank you,” she gave him a sultry smile and kissed him on the cheek.

“You’re welcome, m’lady,” he said happily, so glad she was home so he could forget about everything else again.

“Ah,” she sighed, dropping down onto the sofa. “It’s so good to be home. As important as all these peace conferences are, they are exhausting. So many parties and debates.”

He sat next to her and helped her set her feet on his lap so he could take off her shoes to relax her. “Tell me about it,” he encouraged.

“When have you ever cared about the mundane details of politics?” she chuckled, tipping her head back. He loved the sound of her laughter. After working at it for awhile, he finally got her boots off and started massaging her feet. “Oh, that feels good.”

“Well, I’m sure it was more interesting than my week,” he murmured, pushing aside the pain in order to give her all his attention. She didn’t need to know he’d spent the past week sitting around feeling useless. 

“I highly doubt that,” she laughed again. “I might not do your brand of aggressive negotiations, but sometimes I wish there was more action involved with these conferences.”

“Maybe things would finally get solved that way.”

“Unfortunately swinging a lightsaber around or pointing a blaster at people defeats the point of it being a peace conference.”

“I suppose that makes sense.” He tried to laugh but swallowed it. He wouldn’t be swinging his lightsaber around again for a long time. Maybe never.

“Well I should change into something more casual and brush my hair before dinner,” she said, and he reluctantly let go of her feet so she could get up. 

“Let me help you with that, m’lady.” He stood up too.

“So considerate today,” she chuckled.

“Aren’t I always?” He flashed a smile that he hoped didn’t look pained to her. Mainly he just didn’t want to be alone anymore, and she was an excellent distraction.

“Of course you are.” She patted him softly on the cheek. “Well come along then.” She headed into her bedroom and he followed on her heels. She let him pick out her outfit for dinner while she washed up and then once she’d changed, she sat in front of her vanity and handed him her brush.

He carefully took the pins and ornaments out of her hair, and then started brushing through it in long gentle strokes. He put all his attention on what he was doing, blocking out any intruding thoughts. It took awhile for him to notice that she was studying him through the mirror.

“What is with you today?” she asked finally, and he started a little.

“What do you mean?” He looked up to meet her eyes.

“Well first the flowers, and then the foot massage and now this. Should I be concerned?”

“Of course not,” he lied, trying to give her the best smile he could muster. “I just missed you, that’s all. Do you want me to stop?” He set his hand on her shoulder and she brought hers up to cover it.

“No, you just seem sad or something. I mean, I know I’m not a Jedi like you, but I can still see there’s something on your mind,” she said softly. He swallowed. Maybe he should talk about it, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to ruin the moment. She just got home, he hadn’t seen her in a few weeks. She was buzzing and excited about her work and... she didn’t need to be weighed down by his problems. It wasn’t like they wouldn’t have plenty of time to figure it out later. 

Besides, it felt like he’d be disappointing her. Here she was still fighting for peace and the war to end and now he was doing nothing to help with either of those things. How could he possibly tell her that he’d messed up somehow? That the council had found out about their marriage, despite how careful he’d been? How could he tell her that Rex knew the truth, and Ahsoka too? They’d agreed nobody could know. Telling her all these people did in fact know, would be such a betrayal of her trust and he couldn’t bring himself to fail her tonight. If it was possible to not fail her at all, well... he’d do anything. But for now, he could only delay the inevitable; wait for the right moment and now wasn’t it. 

“I’m not,” he said finally. “I’m just really glad you’re home.”

“If you’re sure...”

“There’s nothing to worry about, my love.” He leaned over her shoulder and kissed her gently on the cheek. 

“Dinner is ready, mistress Padmé,” Threepio’s voice came through the intercom and she rose to answer it.

“Thank you,” she said sweetly. “We’ll be right there.”

“Is there anything else you require?” The droid fretted. 

“No,” she said quickly. “Once dinner is over, you and Artoo may shut down for the evening.”

“If you’re sure, m’lady,” Threepio replied. “I could definitely use some recharging. All this excitement has been wearing on my circuits.”

He smiled to himself at the droid’s comment. He’d always loved his humor. Some people thought it was annoying, but he never got tired of listening to him fret about things. Now that he had more time on his hands, he could give his droids some upgrades. Surely they’d appreciate it. 

“We’ll have to find some errands for them to run tomorrow or something,” Padmé murmured and he glanced back at her. “So we can have some time alone together.”

“Would it really be so terrible if they knew?” He asked without thinking. He forgot nobody knowing also meant the droids too. He’d been so excited to have them all home, not just Padmé. Now that he wasn’t a Jedi anymore, it didn’t really matter if they knew the truth.

“Oh come on, Ani,” she said. “We’ve been through this. With the assistance they give the Jedi occasionally, we can’t be too careful. And you know how Threepio talks.”

“But...”

“Come on, dinner is getting cold.” She disappeared out of the bedroom and he was left alone with the heavy weight of failure and uncertainty. Also, a little bit of frustration at how quickly she’d dismissed the thought. Maybe he hadn’t told her the truth yet, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t find a way to make it work. He sighed and followed after her.


	6. Something New

“Are you okay, Ahsoka?” She blinked and looked up at Rex. He’d called shortly after the mess with Nyx and said he was on shore leave for the next two days. She’d welcomed any excuse to escape the shop and begged him to meet her for breakfast the next day at a nearby diner. But now that they were here, she was struggling to focus only on him.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She shook her head of the thoughts and took a sip of the caf in front of her. _Totally fine._

“I know we talked about meeting up again next time I was on Coruscant, but I wasn’t expecting you to be so eager,” he chuckled. “I figured you were keeping plenty busy in that machine shop of yours.”

“Oh yeah, sure. There’s always plenty to do,” she said, thankful for something to talk about besides… _well_… the rest of it. “But no matter how busy I get, I’ll always make time for you, Rexy.” He smiled as though that meant so much to him and she looked down at her glass again. Why was this all so strange? She was happy to see him and man… his hug had felt so good. But she dreaded the moment he noticed there was more going on and made her talk about it. Though maybe talking about it was something she needed to do?

Even if Anakin wasn’t their general anymore, the 501st respected him. The last thing she wanted to do though was spread dissent in the ranks or something. Or start gossip or rumors that could eventually hurt him or the boys. No matter how _she _was feeling about him at the moment, she couldn’t do that.

“How was the mission without General Skywalker?” she asked, cringing a little at his name, but hoping that since he hadn’t been there, the details of Rex’s answer wouldn’t be about him.

“Strange,” Rex admitted. “I think Torrent company got a bit lax in what it’s like to follow more conventional generals.” He tapped his right trigger finger against the mug in front of him. “That’s my fault entirely. I’m their captain, I’m supposed to keep them in line.”

“I’m sure they weren’t that bad,” she said quickly to reassure him. “It’s not like they just followed _An_… the general blindly.”

“Perhaps not, but you know how he was with us…” Rex trailed off and she felt the ache again. It wasn’t very fair that she could sense what he wasn’t saying while he had no idea what was bothering her. Though at the moment she was glad of that. Anakin could be strict with them, but it was a different kind of discipline. It was less about making them follow the chain of command or proper protocol and more about keeping everybody safe, being inventive and adaptable. But she’d been around enough other Jedi generals to know that often they cared more about protocol. Discipline meant executing the plan exactly as it was proposed and if some of them were sacrificed in the process… well it was all part of the greater good. “It’s going to take some adjustment again. Perhaps I should get a head start on that while we’re not performing our regular duties.”

“Oh, give them a break, Rexy,” she said quickly. “They’ve earned their rest. You all have.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he murmured. “Well enough about me, tell me how you’ve been. What have you been up to?” She swallowed; this was the moment she’d been dreading.

“Well uh, the day to day is pretty mundane compared to constant battles. Every so often we get a shifty character showing up that likes to start trouble,” she laughed, but it felt kind of hollow. Sending them on their way without letting Nyx know her past was often tricky business. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending how you look at it, he had a tendency to be too scrappy and stubborn for his own good and got knocked out a lot. It made hiding her powers easier, but she was worried someday he’d reach the hit limit and then where would she be? “Nyx has racked up a few debts over the years, creates some occasional entertainment.”

“Well I’m sure a couple thugs don’t stand much of a chance against you, considering the number of Seps I’ve seen you take down before.”

“No, they’re not the problem. The problem is I don’t really want Nyx to know where I came from, so knocking out a couple loonies triple my size in front of him isn’t really an option,” she sighed and sat back. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you sound bored, Ahsoka.” He laughed when she scowled half-heartedly.

“I _do_ miss the action, but definitely not all the death and fear,” she admitted. “Nyx and a couple of his friends have invited me along for some of their, uh, vigilante work they do down here. I haven’t really decided if it’s actually helping anyone other than them yet though. It’s definitely not heroics like in the war. But when the chases break out, I actually get some exercise.”

“That sounds less than legal,” he murmured.

“What are you going to do, turn me in?” she teased.

“Of course not.” He paused long enough to thank the waitress when the food was put in front of them. “But I do hope you’re being careful.”

“Oh you know me.” She waved her hand dismissively.

“I _do_ know you, that’s why I said that,” he replied. “No offense to you, or the general, but you both got into your share of scrapes. I might not be living down here, but I’ve seen plenty to know places like this are dangerous and I don’t want to find out something bad happened because you’re alone down here.” He reached forward and squeezed her softly on the hand.

She stared at it a moment, swallowing hard. “I’m not alone down here though,” she said quickly. It wasn’t a lie, really, but it _had_ kind of felt like one. “I have Nyx and his friends and...”

“You know what I meant,” he said softer and she looked up to meet his eyes. “How much do you know about this boy anyways? You said you don’t want him to know about your past, so can you trust him?”

“Is that a little jealousy I detect in your tone, Captain?” She tried to work some of her old teasing sass into her words to dispel the heaviness that had fallen around them. Yeah, she knew what he meant. He meant now that she didn’t have him, the clones or Anakin watching her back. Now that she didn’t have the protective shell that had always followed her around. Her throat went a little dry when she saw the way he was studying her.

“I just want you to be safe, you know that right?” he said. “I know you’re not my commander anymore, but I still feel like it’s my duty to watch out for you.”

“I’m not a little kid,” she said stubbornly.

“No, you’re definitely not that.”

She instantly blushed and quickly tried to put her focus on the food that had been sitting there getting cold while they talked. “Nyx is, well... he knows how to fight. Maybe not like the people I’m used to being around, but he’s not bad. He’s just not a big fan of Jedi so, I’m not sure he’d like knowing I used to be one. That’s all,” she said, trying her best to sound like nothing about it was wrong. “Everything’s fine.”

He watched her for a few minutes before he released her hand and they both tried to eat in the awkward silence that had fallen. She was quickly losing her appetite though. 

She knew Rex cared, and she appreciated it. More and more she appreciated that _somebody_ cared. But something about the way he’d looked at her had made her uncomfortable. Not in a dangerous way, no. She was used to being around dangerous people. This was something different... something new. She didn’t know what it meant, but it was strange. Not entirely unpleasant but somewhat unexpected. He’d always been protective though, so why was this different?

“So does this Nyx have a girlfriend?” he asked suddenly, and she choked a little on her eggs.

“What does that have to do with anything?” she said, sounding a little breathless after swallowing the too big bite prematurely. Her eyes watered a bit and she tried to wipe them without drawing attention to her nerves. 

“I was just wondering what his intentions with you might be,” Rex said casually as though he hadn’t noticed her reaction at all. Though she knew better than to assume he hadn’t. 

“I’m starting to feel a bit like I’m being interrogated,” she tried really hard this time to laugh, but it had sounded pathetic. This was ridiculous! What was even going on anymore? Would it be so terrible if her and Nyx well...? She dropped her fork and sat back, crossing her arms. Her appetite was definitely gone now. 

In some ways it was nice to know that _someone_ did still care about her well-being even if his questions were weird. But it also felt forced and uncomfortable. Nothing in her life since leaving the order was normal anymore. She was starting to feel torn between her past and her future, and not in a way she imagined a normal transition to be. It felt like the two were fighting constantly and neither were going to win. Though Rex asking such personal questions was both sweet and his usual brand of protectiveness, he didn’t really know what it was like down here. Where nothing was the black and white, good versus evil, rhetoric that had been drilled into their heads from the very beginning. 

Sometimes the loneliness got so bad, the idea of a relationship with someone was so appealing you didn’t even care if it was a good idea or not. Exhibited by what had happened last night when she’d returned to the shop. None of the things she’d learned as a Jedi really applied to how things worked down here. And really the only reason she wasn’t already dead was because at least she knew how to fight. But this wasn’t a world where you could be arrogant or morally upstanding. Every decision came down to survival, not necessarily what was the right thing to do. 

Other than her trip yesterday to the wealthier part of Coruscant, she could hardly remember the last time she’d seen the sun. Everything was crammed so closely together down here it was suffocating sometimes. The air was stagnant and smelled potently of grease, exhaust and refuse. The people weren’t particularly friendly or welcoming. As it was, she’d had to pressure Nyx into letting her stay against his own rules and what not. 

Rex acted like he could just beat down his door, give him a what for and that could fix everything for her. _If only._ If only it was that simple anymore. The threat would last about as long as it took Rex to get out the door, if that. Nyx was used to being threatened and told off. He’d have no respect for a soldier, _if_ he even knew Rex was a soldier. Now if Anakin threatened him... well that might have more of an effect. Or it would get out of control in a hurry; with his whole hatred for Jedi thing. Not to mention they’re both insanely competitive...

She blew air out the side of her mouth and started at the realization that Rex had stopped eating and was watching her with his narrow, sharp eyes. 

“It’s not an interrogation, it’s just concern,” he said finally.

“I know that, but it feels like you don’t trust me.”

“I trust _you_, Ahsoka. It’s everyone else I don’t trust,” he said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table. “I know none of this has been easy on you and I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. But I’m here because I care. I might not have the Jedi senses, but I’m not blind. You’ve been distracted all morning, and defensive every time I bring up Nyx. Did something happen?”

She sighed and dropped her face in her hands. “I kissed him last night.”

“And?”

“And it felt good, for a minute, but then, I don’t know. I panicked. I like him, but...” she trailed off and took the napkin he handed her so she could wipe her eyes. “What if I screwed up big time? What if things just get really weird between us? What if he kicks me out?”

“Okay, calm down,” he said, patting her hand again. “First of all, there are places you can go. You wouldn’t be-”

“I am _not_ going to Anakin!” she spat before she could think about it. She slapped her hands over her mouth and dropped her head on the table, narrowly missing her plate of half eaten food. 

“I see,” Rex said softly, and she furrowed her brow and looked up at him. “I had a feeling that’s what this was all about.”

“What do you mean, Captain?” She shifted nervously. 

“I told you, Ahsoka, I’m not blind. Do you think I never noticed the way you looked at him? He might never have seen it, but I did.”

“You did?” she squeaked.

“I passed on what he told me because I knew even though you were hurting over what happened when you left, you’d want to know. It’s not hard to assume that you suddenly kissing Nyx had to do with that information.”

“I went to see him,” she admitted. “Oh Rex...” She almost started crying. “He told me he missed me but he’s just still so... _blind!_ He doesn’t have a clue why I’m hurting so bad over it! I thought he was my best friend! I thought he cared! But he doesn’t see anything! He just thinks I failed him by leaving. It’s always all about him!” She brought her hands up to wipe her face. “Seeing him there, in a bathrobe at the senator’s apartment... it was just weird, _wrong_... it was so uncomfortable. It felt like I’d never known him at all! That everything I’d ever felt was a lie.”

Rex slipped into the booth next to her and wrapped his arms around her. She dropped her head on his shoulder and cried. “He _does_ care about you, Ahsoka. You know that. But he’s always had a blind spot when it came to Senator Amidala.”

“Blind spot?” she choked. “More like a blind fold!”

“That is true,” Rex laughed, rubbing his hand gently across her back. “He took your departure hard. He blamed himself, not you. But I could tell he didn’t really know what he’d done wrong. I know you had your reasons for leaving, but maybe you both really need to talk it out. Whether he has the senator or not, he still needs you. I imagine he’s going to have a much harder time adjusting to life without the order than you did.”

“Right. And I’m supposed to feel sorry for him that he now gets to live in a fancy apartment, travel the galaxy on his own whims and have a _wife_ to come home to every day,” she muttered under her breath.

“You and I both know those things won’t satisfy him forever.”

“Does it matter if they do or not? It’s what he _wants_, obviously! If I was included in his list of desires, he wouldn’t have just watched me walk away and then do nothing.” He brought his arm around her shoulder and pulled her tighter against him. She squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. 

“I have to let him go, Rex. I don’t have a choice. I need to just move on with my life. Even if he does need me, he’s not acting on it. Whatever we once had... it’s gone now.” She turned her head to bury it in his shoulder, so she didn’t start crying again.

“Well, whatever you do, you’ll still have me.”

“Thank you, Rexy. That means... a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize but my updates are going to slow down a bit because I've caught up to what I already had written and I might need to occasionally switch to other stories for a mental break. But I will attempt to keep plugging away at this.


	7. Something Borrowed

“It’s such a lovely day, isn’t it?” Padmé joined him on the balcony and he smiled at her presence. Having her here made so much of his pain and frustration melt away. After the week of drowning sorrow and panic, it was a welcome change. But he was also acutely aware that he was living on borrowed time. That the beast that lurked just beneath the surface would be revealed too soon. The one where he’d have to face her disappointment and possibly even anger over the truth. “I sent Threepio and Artoo to the market to do some shopping, I thought I’d have them gather the ingredients for my favorite cake and I’d make it tonight to celebrate.”

“That sounds delicious,” he said. “What are we celebrating?”

“Us, of course,” she giggled. “It’s so rare to get a whole week together.”

“That’s true,” he murmured, pulling her into his arms and breathing in her presence. She always smelled so sweet; like fresh commelinas, warm grass and ripe chi-chis. It could transport him to a better place, a more peaceful place. It reminded him of the way they’d rolled around in the grassy fields oh so long ago. In his memory there was no war, no Jedi, no death, just her. Just _them_. Oh, how he ached for those days again. Before he’d lost his mother, his arm, his friends... “Do you ever just want to get away for awhile? Take a break from this crazy war?” he whispered.

“That’s only natural. Nobody wants to be in the middle of war, Ani. But we have a duty to the people and as hard as it is, we have to remember what we stand for,” she replied. He couldn’t tell if she was just cutting off his wistfulness before he went too far with it, or if she really never had the same dreams to escape.

“Of course, I didn’t mean like months, I meant for like a week or so. Just you and I. We could go somewhere the war isn’t. Forget about everything else.” He wasn’t ready to give up on the dream yet. Sitting around on Coruscant, even with her here, felt like he was holding back a door that was barely blocking a flood from drowning him completely. He wanted to just run away, to focus on better things. To escape. He’d never had that chance before. Now he could go anywhere! Without the Jedi holding him back... they could do anything!

“I have several bills coming up that requires my attention,” she said as though she had no idea how badly he needed this. “They’re too important to just set aside. It does sound nice, darling, but... until this war is over, our duty is here.”

“But what if the war is nowhere near ending? What if it never does? Haven’t you heard the stories of wars that have lasted for hundreds of thousands of years? If we wait for it to end, we might never get to live,” he said passionately. Maybe more passionately than he meant to. Because now she was looking up at him, her beautiful face furrowed in confusion. 

“War is never pretty, Ani. We can’t just take a vacation from it. There’s too many people suffering out there that we have a duty to help. Yes, maybe it’s possible for _us_ to run away, but _they_ can’t. Besides, won’t the council frown on you disappearing for a few weeks?”

“Yes, of course.” He dropped his head and stared at the floor. “I guess I was just missing a time when we didn’t have to think about death constantly.” He let his arm drop to his side and moved over to the railing. Of all people, he’d have thought Padmé would understand. Didn’t she want to spend time with him? It might not be fair that they could actually escape it even temporarily when others couldn’t, but even the Jedi enforced mandatory meditation leaves despite how thin they were spread out. War or no war, everybody needed a rest from it. They were no exception.

She stepped up next to him and put her hand on his back. “I know it’s hard, darling, but we have to keep fighting. If we put all our focus on ending it, then perhaps we can bring about peace much sooner and then we could have the rest of our lives to chase dreams.” 

He swallowed his need to bring realism into that statement. To remind her that the war wouldn’t end because of a piece of paper or a bunch of signatures on a datapad. Her idealism was what he admired about her. She believed so much in democracy. She truly believed that people unaffected by the war could be rational, could be made to see reason and actually take action for ending it when they didn’t have to live it. Who was he to shatter that illusion for her? 

While the senators bickered about money and their own personal gains, he got to live the true horror of endless fighting. And even if he no longer had to fight those kind of battles, he still had to fear for the safety of those he was no longer allowed to protect. 

Even the Chancellor was losing hope that the senate would solve anything. He often referred to it as a wheel spinning in place. How do you truly end a war when so many seem to have no intention to do so? When you’re in the middle of it, it’s easy to focus only on the next objective, but now that he wasn’t, he had no concept of how things were going. Was the Republic winning? There just seemed to be nothing but bad news. Worse, what if they lost because the council had pulled him from the frontlines?

His fist tightened and he tried to relax it when she leaned her head against him. “End the war, chase our dreams,” he murmured, deciding he didn’t have the energy to argue with her. But how the kriff was he supposed to do that now?

“You know I want to spend most of the day with you, but I do need to finish up this draft to go over with Bail later. Oh, and I have a meeting with the Chancellor in an hour to discuss the conference I was just at. After I get back, we can relax,” she smiled at him and he tried to return it.

“Of course, m’lady,” he said softly, feeling a rush of disappointment. How was he supposed to pass the time until she was in his arms again? 

She kissed him sweetly. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” He watched her leave and dropped onto the sofa wishing he could rip these itchy clothes off him and free himself from the lie. He needed to tell her the truth, but every time he looked at her, he lost the nerve. It wasn’t like she could fix it really.

He turned on the holonews and listened to it blankly. He wasn’t sure he was absorbing any of it and after awhile he finally clicked it off and slouched back. He needed to find something to distract him, _anything_. If Artoo was here, he could tinker on him and relax into something familiar and calming. If Ahsoka were here, they could play a game, laugh and forget about the endless horror they endured every day.

He felt a clench in his chest at the thought of her and brought his hands up to rub his eyes. He didn’t want to think about her visit because it had hurt too much. The words she’d spoken had stung, her hostile attitude, her uncomfortableness around him, but especially when he’d touched her. What had he done to her to hurt her so bad? What had he missed? Why wouldn’t she talk to him? 

Though he’d been in no shape to see anyone yesterday, her appearance had instantly lifted his spirits and he’d opened the door without thinking. But it had all gone downhill from there. He had a few hours, maybe he needed to find her. He’d corner her in an alley if he had to just to get her to talk to him. 

He got to his feet and went looking for his comm, but when he found it, he just stared at it. He knew she was on Coruscant. He knew she was working as a mechanic on the lower levels, but... that could be anywhere. He didn’t have a number, or a way to reach her. He closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. Then he remembered she’d said Rex had told her that he’d been kicked out of the order. Rex knew how to find her. He dialed Rex’s comm but then froze before pressing the button to connect. 

If he was off on a mission, he couldn’t risk distracting him over something so stupid. He’d have to send him a message he could read later when he wasn’t busy. But that of course meant he wouldn’t see Ahsoka today. Which strange as it sounded, was rather disappointing. Even if all they’d do was probably end up arguing. 

He set the comm back down. He’d send the message to Rex later, he supposed. He slumped back down on the couch. Who was he without the Jedi? What was left when he stripped away the Jedi cloak, as Ahsoka had said? He looked down at his usual armor that he’d worn all the time. It didn’t mean anything, but at the same time... 

He went into the bedroom and stood in front of Padmé’s vanity mirror. He stared at his reflection for a long time. Fear coursed through him. He only knew how to be a slave or a Jedi. How do you fit into a whole different life when those are your only two experiences? 

_ Not a lot of people are hiring failed Jedi with battle experience and no concept of the real world, _Ahsoka’s words echoed in his head. Well... he was good with his hands. If she could work as a mechanic maybe he could too? But he didn’t even know where to start. He couldn’t possibly expect Padmé to support him. 

Well, no matter how frustrating things were with Ahsoka right now, she really was his only hope about how to survive without the Jedi. He needed her help, and... maybe he was starting to understand why she’d been so hostile with him. He hadn’t given any thought to just how terrifying it was to be on your own until he was now too.

—-

He heard the front door open and he glanced at the chrono. Had he really been staring at himself in the mirror for three hours? No, it hadn’t been that long. Other than the fear that had gripped him, he couldn’t think of anything else that had crossed through his mind in that time. It was like he’d blacked out for awhile in a total panic. And the moment he saw Padmé’s face, it started pumping through him again. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, her arms tight at her sides. She hadn’t balled up her fists, but he imagined if she had, she’d look like she was about to punch something. Maybe he deserved that. 

“Tell you what?” He suffocated a bit on his words as though his throat tightened, and he couldn’t breathe. 

“Don’t play stupid with me, Ani,” she said. He watched her attempt to take a deep breath. “The Chancellor told me you were dismissed from the order. You don’t think that was a prudent thing to tell your wife? It’s been a whole week! What have you been doing this whole time?”

His mouth worked but he couldn’t manage to make a sound. He hadn’t told the Chancellor, but he’d forgotten the council would probably report something like that to him. The Chancellor was the only person that actually inquired after him. “I was waiting for the right moment,” he gasped finally.

“The right moment? Ani, the right moment would have been right after it happened! Why didn’t you call me?” she exclaimed.

“You were at the peace conference; I didn’t want to bother you. I...”

“Okay fine, even if you didn’t call me right then, why didn’t you tell me when I called to check in?”

“You were so excited... I didn’t want to...” he dropped his head. 

“What am I going to do with you?” She stopped in front of him and he was forced to look at her face. “No wonder you’ve been acting so weird. You lied to me!”

“I didn’t lie, I just... waited,” he said sheepishly.

“How is our relationship supposed to have any trust when I can’t even count on you to tell me that you’re no longer a Jedi?” She started pacing and he watched her in sorrow. “For crying out loud, that’s, that’s... too big to just hide from me. I don’t even have words right now.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, feeling fear start pumping through him again. “I wanted to tell you, I just... didn’t know how. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

She stopped pacing and looked at him, crossing her arms. I _am_ disappointed, but not that you’re no longer a Jedi. I mean that’s not good but... I’m disappointed you didn’t come to me, that you didn’t tell me right away. That everybody else knew before me!”

“I just wanted a few minutes of happiness before-”

“Before I got mad, is that it?” 

“No, before I had to face it.”

“Well I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you?” she huffed. 


	8. Something Blue

After breakfast, they’d wandered around the lower levels just talking. She’d shown Rex some of the things she’d discovered and the places she often was. She was grateful to have gotten some of it off her chest, but it still felt like nothing had been resolved. She liked the way his arm felt around her shoulders, but it was still kind of strange. Maybe there was just a casualness to it that she wasn’t used to. When they’d been around each other before, there’d always been the chain of command and the Jedi attachments thing. And even though there’d still been attachments amongst all of them, it was frowned upon to show any kind of closeness with each other. Now it felt like maybe they could just be real friends and not have to constantly fear getting into trouble. She’d been hugged or held by Rex before, but it had been rarely and usually when no one else was around.

Right now, his presence was comforting, and she was happy he was here. It made everything feel less scary and made her feel less lost about everything. Though admittedly it was still a bit strange how easily he was showing physical affection right now. Or she just wasn’t used to it. She definitely wasn’t used to showing anything in public, that was for sure.

“So, are you going to introduce me to Nyx?” he asked. Of course he’d noticed she’d taken him everywhere but the main place she usually was.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now,” she said nervously. “He still wasn’t in a very good mood about last night when I left this morning.”

“Then perhaps now is the perfect time for me to talk to him.” She stopped walking and he turned to face her.

“I appreciate the thought, Rex, but I can stand up for myself,” she said, putting her hands on her hips.

“I know you can…”

“Look, I know you’re being protective and everything, but… I think picking fights with Nyx right now is the last thing I need to do. I need to just tell him what happened and hopefully he’ll understand, and everything will be fine again.”

“But what if he wants to take it further?”

“Would that be so terrible?” she asked. “He’s not perfect, no, but I don’t think a relationship with him would be that bad.”

“If he hurts you-”

“I’ll get over it,” she interrupted.

“I don’t think you should be rushing into a relationship with someone you hardly know,” he said softly but she felt something else in his tone. Every time it popped up it took her a moment to grasp why it had made her feel weird. She met his eyes and sucked in a breath.

“Rex…” she trailed off, feeling suddenly cold. How had she not noticed the sudden change? Well she had noticed something, but how had she not felt the _intentions_ behind his words? She used to always feel intentions, that had been her strongest talent for a long time. But with everything that had happened, maybe she’d started questioning it too.

He reached out and took her hand and she stared at them as he intertwined his fingers with hers. “I really care about you, Ahsoka,” he said. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. She loved Rex, why did this make her feel so weird? Maybe she’d just never thought of him like that. _Oh no_…

“I… uh… know,” she breathed finally. “But…”

“I don’t think Nyx is a good fit for you.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to panic. She wanted to argue that he didn’t know Nyx, how could he judge that? Yeah, maybe Nyx couldn’t know some things about her, but… come to think of it, Rex was probably right. He let go and she blinked and looked back at him.

“Hey, I know something that might cheer you up,” he said, as though he’d decided maybe he’d pushed it too far. She didn’t want him to retreat, but she wasn’t exactly sure how to feel about what he’d just revealed. She _did_ love him, she’d never denied that; not to herself, not in her actions. But… she’d only ever really thought of him as a friend. Her attention had always been elsewhere. He wasn’t a bad guy, not even questionable like some of her other interests, but… In fact, of pretty much all the guys she’d met throughout her life in varying circumstances, she’d probably be the most lucky to have _him_. There was still a weird feeling about it though, trickling through her.

“Oh… yeah?” she said, struggling to speak. Why was she so nervous? They’d just been talking like nothing was wrong. Now that she knew what he wanted though; everything had become awkward. At least he wasn’t pressuring her into a commitment like Nyx kind of had. Good, she needed time to process this. She couldn’t even feel disappointment from him that she hadn’t immediately thrown herself into his arms. And in that moment, she loved him even more. Respectful to the end, even if he wasn’t sure she’d want him the same way. Maybe all of it had felt weird because she’d just been bemoaning all her unresolved feelings about Anakin, not having a clue that Rex was interested in her like that. She shook herself, that must be the only reason.

“Why don’t we track down the others and have a little reunion? I know they’d be happy to see you too,” Rex suggested.

“That sounds nice,” she breathed. And even though they’d turned and started walking a different direction, she eyed him to assess what he was thinking or feeling. He didn’t have the same fear like Anakin did. He was protective, but it was rooted in deep love and genuine affection rather than fear of loss. Though he’d made his intentions pretty clear, he seemed neither bothered nor worried. He also seemed to chat happily as though the sudden shift between them hadn’t changed their friendship at all. And maybe it hadn’t. At least not for him.

She studied his features as much as she could without drawing attention to herself. He was good looking, for sure. Not that that mattered to her like it did some. Despite being physically identical to millions of others, he’d always had this very special feel that she’d never found anywhere else. It wasn’t just the way he dyed his hair and then shaved it. He hadn’t adorned himself with tattoos like many of the clones. There was a presence about him, something that didn’t come from training. It was just there. He didn’t need to decorate himself like a piece of art to be unique. It was the way he carried himself, she decided.

He had sharp edges, but underneath he was soft, thoughtful and compassionate. He had authority in his gait and posture. He didn’t bark commands, but people jumped when he gave orders. You almost couldn’t help but respect him. He had enough confidence and stability to help anyone feel safe and comfortable. She’d always gone to him for advice, almost more often than the Jedi and it wasn’t because he knew more persay, he just had a very specific and sure way he saw the world. And you knew that any answer he gave would have been processed and vetted in a way no others could really give. It didn’t mean he was always right, by any means, but he sometimes saw sides to things nobody else really did. And she’d trusted and relied on his judgement more times than she could count.

If he said Nyx wasn’t a good fit for her, it wasn’t the rantings of unrequited love. It was a simple statement offered based on a judgement call. It wasn’t rooted in jealousy or anything other than, well… fact. And the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. Nyx might be exciting in certain ways, something new; something that wasn’t bogged down with years of history and baggage. The kiss had felt good, which was more than she could say for the one she’d shared with Lux a few years earlier. But the more she thought about it, the more the idea of taking it further with him made her feel… scared.

She didn’t have the same fear with Rex. Even if she’d never given any thought to a romantic relationship with him, she knew without any doubt, he would respect her, take care of her and protect her. She would always be safe and supported. It was a certainty she couldn’t shake. But even as she felt herself warming up to the idea, she was still confused about her lingering feelings for Anakin.

\---

They’d caught up to Fives, Tup and Kix in a clone bar quite a few levels up. She’d had a good time, because man she’d really missed them. Though once they’d had a few drinks, they got a bit too rambunctious for her taste. She knew they needed to unwind and escape the craziness but admittedly, it was weird to see them away from their duties and how she’d always known them. Maybe she needed to get used to that now?

She’d beaten Tup in an arm-wrestling match, but instead of be mad he bought her a drink. Fives and Kix had both given her a huge hug, lifting her completely off her feet. None of them had complained about her leaving, though they had told her they’d all missed her and was glad that Rex was keeping in touch with her. She did wonder at some point if any of them knew Rex was sweet on her, but decided she just wanted to enjoy the moment rather than think about it anymore.

They’d mostly hung by the bar watching the others, but they didn’t talk a lot. It wasn’t as awkward anymore, but he made no more advances and she had a feeling she’d have to make the next move if they were going to take it further. She appreciated that a lot actually. She was definitely enjoying his company, but she wasn’t ready to dive into something. Coming back to the shop to kiss Nyx just because she’d been hurting over Anakin had been bad enough. If her and Rex were going to have a romantic relationship, she wanted to ease into it because she definitely didn’t want to hurt him. Especially since, well since he was pretty much the only one that had stuck around or called. And she really hoped that would continue being true if she changed her mind.

After a few hours with the others, they’d said goodbye and headed off on their own again. They were sitting on a park bench, staring up at the sky when Rex got a call. He glanced at her and then answered it. “Hello, S… uh, Anakin.”

Her eyes widened when she heard her old master come through the comm and sat back. She listened to his strained voice for a few minutes, closing her eyes. She didn’t even have to see him to feel so much in the short sentences he spoke. Things weren’t going well already. He was speaking quieter than usual, but she felt so much pain in his words and she started feeling guilty for not being terribly sympathetic for his new situation. There was a lot of fear there too. He didn’t say anything about senator Amidala, but she felt a lot of things he wasn’t saying.

“Actually Rex, I called to see if you could tell me where to find Ahsoka?” Her eyes popped open at her name. Rex looked at her with a brow raised and she bit her lip. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to see Anakin right now, but if he was looking for her, she wasn’t going to run away. Even if it hurt. Rex studied her for a moment longer until she sat back again and crossed her arms, staring straight ahead. Then he turned back to the comm.

“I’m actually with her right now,” Rex said. “I’ll give you our coordinates.”

“Oh, thank you,” Anakin said quickly. She felt a tremor in his words and Rex must have felt it too.

“I was just about to head back to the shipyard, but she’ll wait for you here.” They said goodbye and hung up and she stared at the captain with her eyes wide.

“I don’t want you to go,” she squeaked.

“Look, you two need to work things out. Besides, after visiting the others, I could really use a nap.” She scowled at him, knowing he didn’t nap. He just didn’t want to be there to listen to her and Anakin argue about who knew what. “It will be fine. I’ll call you later.” He got up and she did too.

He looked like he was about to reach out to her, but hesitated. She knew why. She definitely knew Anakin wasn’t coming to find her for anything she’d always wanted from him, even if him and Padmé weren’t getting along at the moment. And even though she was still confused about everything, she didn’t want his sudden reappearance to ruin what she could have with Rex. But Rex knew that she had feelings for Anakin and those wouldn’t be shut off instantly, just because he’d let her know what he wanted.

In fact, he probably believed that if Anakin was coming to find her, any chance he might have had with her was gone now. And she should probably let him know that wasn’t true, but she hesitated anyways.

“Take care, Ahsoka,” he whispered and turned to go.

“Rex, wait.” He stopped and looked back at her.

“I don’t know what I want, but… I still want us. I mean, I still want your friendship.” She cringed knowing she wasn’t helping the situation or hurting him less. She really hoped he understood what she was saying.

He looked like he was working something through his head before he tipped it to her. “Don’t worry, Ahsoka. I’m not going anywhere.” She breathed a little easier after his words but didn’t let him leave without a hug. Then she sat back down on the bench and sighed.

“Figures,” she muttered to herself. “I have the perfect guy right in front of me, but where the kriff is my heart? With someone that doesn’t want it!”


	9. Communication

It wasn’t until he’d almost made it to the coordinates Rex had sent that he actually wondered why Rex had been with her. Though he wasn’t sure why it bothered him, they were friends, they were allowed to spend time together. But maybe it was the lingering loss and jealousy of her cutting him out of her life but seeming to stay in touch with others, especially when he still had no idea just what he’d done wrong.

As soon as he saw her sitting on the bench, however, he forgot about his other thoughts. She didn’t look terribly thrilled to be there. She was leaning back, her arms crossed, staring off at something, but with the blank look of someone deep in thought. Despite her casual pose, she looked uncomfortable, like there was a permanent grimace in her expression. Not one of physical pain though. If he’d looked in the mirror before leaving Padmé’s apartment this afternoon, he’d have probably seen he was wearing one too. 

He’d waited so long hoping she’d come back, imagining the scenario a million times in his head. She’d walk through the door, smile like she used to and in her special snippy way that turned off most but he found endearing, she’d give him a verbal slap and they’d be on their way. Back to doing what they did best; saving the galaxy. He studied her features from across the park, she hadn’t seemed to notice him yet. She looked so… sad. So small. Not the spunky, optimistic padawan he’d once had. The weight of the world dripped off her shoulders, and maybe he felt it now too. Strange how it was less terrible when everybody was depending on you than it was out here alone.

It had never once occurred to him, in any of the fantasies, that she wouldn’t be like she’d once been. He’d never once thought it would come to this. Where they couldn’t communicate, couldn’t understand each other… where everything was just awkward now. He really hoped that was temporary. That they could work through this and get back to being on the same side of things. Because… he really needed her there. He needed her to set him straight like she used to, now more than ever.

She sat up suddenly and looked his way, and he finally had to stop stalling and made his way towards her. “Hey,” he said, trying to smile like nothing was wrong. She greeted him but didn’t smile back. She hadn’t even tried to. They stared at each other for a couple minutes without saying anything else and then he finally dropped down on the bench next to her and leaned back. “Thank you for waiting. I hope I didn’t interrupt your plans with Rex.”

She shrugged and looked away. “He said he wanted to take a nap anyways.”

“Rex, nap?” he laughed, but it was hollow and scratchy, and he shut it down as soon as he could.

“I said the same thing,” she murmured, but didn’t look at him, and the awkward silence fell again. He really hated this. He wanted to just shake her and try to get her to talk to him like she used to, but she didn’t seem at all inclined to resume their friendship. Had their last meeting really messed her up that badly? Or was there more he was missing? He wished he could just order her to talk to him, but that had never worked even when he’d been her master. At least she wasn’t being quite as hostile today even if she clearly didn’t want to be there right now.

“You were right about the things you said,” he murmured finally. “I have no idea who I am without the order.” She didn’t say anything, so he kept going. “I guess I always thought if I left, it would be on my terms and I’d have somewhere to go and something to do and…” He fell silent. She still didn’t say anything, and it was getting increasingly uncomfortable. Either she was just letting him talk it out or she really didn’t care about his problems anymore. Why would she feel sympathy for him anyways? To her it probably looked like he had it great; a wife to go back to, a fancy apartment in the richer part of Coruscant, nothing he should be wanting for while she was down here in the slums just barely getting by. “This is a nice park,” he said, tired of the silence.

“Why are you still wearing your Jedi robes?” she said suddenly.

“Because I don’t uh…” He bit his lip. “Have anything else.” He dropped his head and rubbed his face, trying to will himself not to cry. He’d known asking her for help wouldn’t be easy, especially after their disastrous attempt to reconnect the other day. But every second they drowned in awkwardness made him feel worse and worse. He felt weak and pathetic. He felt as small as she’d looked. He felt like nothing, helpless… he felt stupid that he was practically on his knees begging his former, younger than him, padawan for help because he suddenly couldn’t do anything right anymore. Maybe he never had.

But he also felt angry. Angry at the council for throwing him out, angry at them for not understanding. For what they did to Ahsoka too. He was angry at Obi wan for being so cold, for not listening to anything he said, for not standing up for him. And strangely, he was also angry at Padmé and how little she’d cared about how this felt to him. She’d been right he should have told her, but she hadn’t understood even a little about why he hadn’t. She’d ranted for what seemed like hours about trust and deception and the war and duty. Their celebration dinner had gone out the window, their time together not happy or calming. And he’d spent the night on the couch because by the end of it, she hadn’t even wanted to look at him.

She had every reason in the world to be mad about it, but it still made him unbelievably angry that she hadn’t even cared why he hadn’t told her. That nothing he’d said in his defense had slowed her down. He was wrong, he was the only one that was wrong. And he was the one being punished from every side for things that were out of his control. It reminded him too much of being a slave all over again and that thought only made him angrier. As far as he was concerned, he’d served everyone as best as he was able. Even if he couldn’t follow every rule, didn’t his service count for something?

He felt a hand on his arm, and he jumped. He’d completely forgotten about Ahsoka, drowning in his own misery and anger. Had she felt all of that? He glanced nervously at her face. Yep, she had. She looked like she wanted to say something but bit her lip and dropped her gaze. Then she stood up.

“Come on,” she said, turning to head down the street. He didn’t know where they were going, but he followed her anyways. After weaving through some busy stretches, they got on a lift that took them lower. He stared blankly out the glass as the levels faded after another, trying desperately to hold himself together. He was unnerved by her silence but grateful she hadn’t just turned tail and run after everything she’d probably sensed from him. He wished she’d just talk though. His thoughts were drowning everything out. 

He had no idea how deep they’d gone before they left the lift and walked between tall imposing buildings and dirtier streets. Finally, they stopped in front of what looked like a clothes shop, though there was so much graffiti on the windows he could hardly make out what was inside. The smell wasn’t that great inside either, but at least it was cleaner. 

“What are we doing here?” he asked.

“The only way you’re going to survive away from the order is by not looking like a Jedi,” she said, disappearing between two racks of clothes. 

“But I, uh... don’t have any money,” he said nervously, trying not to shout his problems across the store in case there were any other customers. But as far as he could tell, the store was deserted except for them and an elderly alien cashier in the corner that looked asleep. He wasn’t sure what species he was because in his advanced age he looked like a cross between a hutt and a toydarian, which was both amusing and sad; toydarians could fly, hutts definitely could not. But he wasn’t very fond of either species so for now he ignored him. 

“You can pay me back later,” she said, reappearing with an armful of clothes and holding some pants up in front of him.

“But-”

“I’m assuming you came to me because you need help adjusting to life outside the order.” She shoved the garments into his hands and pointed to a tiny room in the back of the shop no bigger than a closet, with a curtain that was full of holes and had seen better days strung across it in place of a door. 

“I did, but-”

“Well the first rule of life outside the order is survival,” she interrupted him again. “But unlike the battlefields, survival out here means making money. Making money means finding a job. And finding a job requires looking and acting the part.” She shooed him into the closet and pulled the curtain closed behind him and he stared blankly at his reflection in the mostly tarnished mirror and at the small jutting ledge beneath it that was probably supposed to be something to sit on but would likely break if he tried.

“Why are you helping me?” he asked as he tried to pull off his robes without banging his elbows into the walls or falling back through the curtain. The closet was even smaller than it looked or he was bigger than he thought.

“Isn’t it what you wanted?” she huffed. There was some of the snippiness he remembered, and despite his frustration and fear, he actually smiled. Even when she had an attitude, it was oddly comforting. For a second it made him feel like things were normal again.

“Well yeah,” he said, sticking his head out of the curtain and looking her over. She stood there with her hands on her hips. “But why?” She turned and looked up at him and dropped her hands back to her side and he was afraid she was going to shut down again.

“When I left,” she whispered. “I wasn’t thinking about anything other than how much it hurt. I wandered around like an idiot for hours without even a clue where to go or what to do. I wasn’t very careful with what little money I had with me, just trying to cleanse myself of my past. I bought a junk heap of a speeder, a new outfit and a meal. I didn’t even stop to think about the cost of finding a place to live or how to find a job.” She sighed heavily and rubbed her hands together. “Let’s just say, I know what it’s like to feel helpless and small. To have to beg people for help. To be angry at the life you left behind. And the people...” She blinked up at him and he felt a rush of pain crash through him. Even though he still didn’t exactly know why, he definitely felt what she hadn’t said before. He was one of the people that had hurt her, that she’d tried to escape.

He stumbled out of the closet without thinking, forgetting he was now only half dressed. He took her first by the shoulders and then pulled her against him. He held her tight, and while she only weakly hugged him back, he didn’t want to let her go. “Ahsoka...” he choked, running his hand up her back. “Please tell me what I did. Because whatever it was, I didn’t mean to.”

She pulled back and stared at his chest for a minute before looking away. “It’s what you didn’t do, Anakin,” she whispered. He felt a sinking feeling in his gut as his brain jumped through the memories of the trial and her departure. But no matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong. He’d fought for her, he’d tried to prove her innocent. He’d exhausted every avenue to save her, to pave the way for her to come back. He’d even convinced Padmé to help her even though she’d been reluctant to get involved. What more could he have done?

“I don’t understand,” he sighed finally, crossing his arms in front of his bare chest.

She squeezed her eyes shut, and appeared to take a trembling breath. “You fought so hard for me to stay, but couldn’t see me falling apart. Even now you still think you did everything right. You still can’t see how you let me down. I needed you to understand. To support me. I needed you to tell me it was okay to walk away. But instead you wanted me to come back, you expected me to stay with the order that had shattered everything for me. You expected me to just pick myself up like none of it had happened just so you could still have me around. At what point in all of that, did you ever think about my needs? How I was feeling? Or did you stand on the steps and only think of your loss?”

His mouth worked for a few moments, but he couldn’t come up with a response. He thought doing all those things were to take care of her needs... 

She sighed again. “Pick a few outfits and call me when you’re done. I need to step outside.” She disappeared between the aisles of garments and he heard the door open and close. He stared after her for a few minutes before dropping his head and going back inside the closet.

He tried to sit on the stupid ledge, expecting at any moment it would drop out from under him. Despite it groaning a lot, it didn’t break. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t come up with a response to what she’d said, and he sat forward and rubbed his face hating everything.

Even as she’d explained it, he still didn’t understand. How was taking care of her, protecting her and saving her, not taking care of her needs? He supposed he could see why she’d feel so hurt that he’d not checked in with her, but honestly, when had he had a chance to? Everything had happened so fast! And the more pressing matter had been to prove her innocent. When she was no longer in danger of being put to death, then... then they could deal with the other stuff. But maybe he just hadn’t noticed how deep that stuff had went, and maybe... she was right. He hadn’t supported her. He’d done nothing but try to talk her out of leaving. But even then... he thought he’d been protecting her.

Yeah, the order had been stupid to throw her out, but... she’d still have him, and the clones, security, food, lodging, status. At the very least, she’d have her basic needs met, then they could work through the other stuff. 

Why would it have been so bad to stay? As far as he was concerned, he’d been being practical, not selfish.


End file.
